Thursday, December 31, 2009

Waiting for the Dawn

Remember when I stood in your yard
with the dead leaves at my feet
how I fell from your arms
and then got lost in the street

I saw your face in the window
covered in fingerprints and grime
that was left like a shadow
of the autumn that died

we saw the sun drowning
and i mocked your psalms
all those nights you found me
waiting for the dawn

you said I need a savior
so a savior was made
you thought "that ember might save her"
just left tar where my spirit caved

years ago I clawed at your door
and left scars in the wood
tried to find that answer
but I never could

it's that task of change or truth
that I always got wrong
my thunder left you bruised and
waiting for the dawn

I got a voice in my heart
but it's nothing like faith
and it's gotten so hard
to believe in what you gave

Don't know if I can cry
at the sight of the cross
can't feel your blood in mine
just this burden of loss

but I still remember the warmth of your palms
the taste of your sea
your feet on those rocks
and your arms that can't hold me
your arms that can't hold me
your arms that can't hold me
your arms that can't hold me
your arms that can't hold me
the place where I couldn't belong
still burns in my core
I'm searching for the dawn

Saturday, December 5, 2009

"Let me Go"

Maybe it's just that we've been weary too long
talked to the wrong people or I didn't play the right song
or maybe it was my answer that made last night so wrong
you always needed so much of me, but honey I ain't that strong

well ya opened up your window and the light hit the ground
you thought I could be rescued but I had too much outta town
I ran into some tin angel and she wanted to show me around
why do you waste so much time, girl, waitin on me to be found?

don't stand on the shadowy street where ya just won't fit
or inside the shaman's alleyway where the ghosts won't quit
go back to where you came there's no shame in learning to forget
that we once had a sweet love but I couldn't find any use for it

so ignore those black crows, honey, down at the line I crossed
don't worry about sympathy babe it comes at so high a cost
haven't you had enough of lonely mornings filled with frost?
this time you really don't need another reason to just let me stay lost

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Battle (Never Enough)

kinda like a prequel to my last song.

couldn't find the river but I still had the rains
thought I'd give them one last try to wash the shame
but I knew
but I knew
wrapped my prayers in barbed wire and set the fields ablaze
what choice is there when you're born into this haze
but you knew
you said you knew
a heart can wait a long time but will eventually rust
were you really thinking of me when you spoke about trust?
how can you find answers in what has turned to dust

and it feels like living just isn't enough

there is no garden, haven't felt that sacred kiss
and something tells me I just wasn't made for this
so I lied
yeah I lied
you stopped calling and faded into the crowd
I stole one drink and then slept with Doubt
Did we try?
Did we really try?
Can you tell me what is left in us?
sometimes a spirit stays lost even after it's touched
maybe we hurt because we expected too much

and it feels like dying just isn't enough

I spoke your words and then turned out the lights
is it my fault they don't calm what's burning me inside?
do you recall
oh yes you recall

that last desperate summer, that last glorious start
something wasnt recieved so I broke your heart
did I fall?
why did I fall....

a stranger ducked me under and then yanked me up
said a few lines about your light and love
then all the people went back to where they came from
as I stepped outside where the sun and the earth was so rough

and thought if we could just believe, we might have enough
if I could just believe...

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Battle (Still Standing)

while I was crossing the state line
I saw you, I swear I saw you
wrap your arms around me
my heart was racing to its own time
and I knew what I knew
but what you know isn't always what you believe

so listen....have mercy
on the girl who ran away from home
yes I'm still standing
but don't leave me standing alone

everything moves, everything has a cost
and visions, some visions just fade
but you still want me to try
my soul is moaning for what it lost
reaching, reaching thru the rain
screaming I want to see you but I don't wanna die

won't you listen....have mercy
on the one who tried it on her own
yes I'm still standing
but don't leave me standing alone

as I was landing in a desperate land
I felt you, I swear I felt you
give me something I never asked for at all
my body was shaking, please understand
why i turned from you I turned from you
because I was tired of having to crawl
I'd always been told that I have to crawl
don't even know if I was made to crawl

oh hear me.....forgive me
if I broke your heart when I turned to stone
right now I'm still standing
but don't leave me standing alone

Sunday, September 27, 2009

"So Long, Been Good to Know Ya"

Here's some history: I first heard the song done by Woody Guthrie. He used his own lyrics to the melody of "Ballad of Billy the Kid" and the chorus is one of the many varients to Leadbelly's "Goodnight Irene" (one of my favorite songs, by the way.) I took the lyrics to the chorus and first verse from Woody, and then made up the rest, so that's about four people in one song. Ain't folk music great?

Well, I stole the "rapping at her door" part from Dylan's "It's all over Now, Baby Blue" which also probably came from somewhere else. So that's five. Hell, I could probably keep going. I'll stop now to save time.

I've sung this song but I'll sing it again
of the people I've met and the places I've been
of some of the troubles that bothered my mind
and a lot of good people that I've left behind, sayin'

chorus: so long it's been good to know ya
so long it's been good to know
so long it's been good to know ya
what a long time since I've been home
and I gotta be driftin along

I fell for June and then had to walk away
I don't know if I'll ever see her someday
we met so young and it chained our hearts
maybe it was time or fate that got our signals so crossed, I sang


A friend from t-town said goodbye once before
then years later I stood rapping at her door
a candle light flickered but eventually died
now we won't crawl back and she's still on my mind, singin


Robby was just like an older brother to me
so patient when I was too lost to see
maybe i took him for granted when I left town
I never wanted to hurt him, but does it matter now? just sing


Now to the people who've raised me, please be fair
I won't vanish forever, I just couldn't stay there
I had to move away from the life I'd been shown
a new dawn was rising somewhere deep in my soul, singin


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Gone #3

I must leave now babe for the streets unknown
I left myself open to you and my heart was pressed to the bone
while calypsoes and falling tyrants were outside my door
there's something calling, I gotta know what it's for
I still love you, but I loved you too much to hold on
we both follow a different light and I'm gone

it's not for lack of trying to live my life with you
this hunger took its toll and I didn't know what was truth
so gather your last chorus and watch the swelling tide
you could have made it better, but now it's all behind
it don't matter anymore if you were sorry all along
my nerves are broken but maybe I'll heal some when I'm gone

Dreams can't make promises and jesters don't stand on trial
and blame might comfort some, but only for a little while
but I swear that nothing in me was turned to stone
when I closed my eyes and then let my baby go
just take care of yourself 'cause we need to carry on
tomorrow everything will change and I'm gone

Saturday, September 12, 2009

"More than an Incident in Jasper"

My gal went to Jasper town
not a soul would show her around
she wanted to leave without a sound
wasn't sure what was about to go down

a violent shout from the sidewalk came
mothers pulled their children away
in front of God and in the light of the day
yet another battle in her way

then the sun did split and begin to melt
no tongue can say just how she felt
walkin' thru Jasper with no one to help
a renegade lost in the Bible belt

four guys walked out of a restaurant
tried to give her what she didn't want
though she cried out they were never caught
Jasper ruled that it was her fault

I wonder when everyone will see
that her spirit shouldn't have to bleed
just because she's in love with me
tell me people, ain't we supposed to be free?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

don't know...

I feel like I really need to write a chorus, but I can't think of one and it seems like one of those that I'll just forget about in two days and never finish. Should I? No clue. But it is what it is I guess.

I was never one for loving or for petals on the stairs
and I never expected to fall for anyone for a while
but still I find myself forgetting that I don't care
and trying to keep this night from turning wild

you've got some fiery midwest past but I don't mind
someone must have hurt you somewhere back then
didn't know what to think but in a minute you were inside
and I know denying that must be some kinda sin

I'm not sayin' I'm a saint, just mysteriously saved
from whatever it was that tried to bring me down
don't know if you're an angel, but thanks for all you gave
but honey we've got to know each other somehow

'cause now I wake up early and walk across the floor without you
don't know when or how you'll be back to me
is there someone else or do you have something to prove?
or maybe we just can't figure out how to be free

Seems like the moment we stood something made us crawl
and this morning babe I might miss you enough to cry
but instead I'm singing to myself that I ain't gonna fall
if you're lost someplace I wonder if you know why

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Something a little different...

Have you forgotten me? I wanna say it.

Mother Carter sings, "..when you won and neglected your frail wildwood flower."

I never used to think much of that song. It was just another sad, traditional country tune that I could slap on the turn table while I got ready for work or school. Not so much anymore. The sky was white like cotton and there was no wind to calm me down and blow me some promise or carry me somewhere else. Or carry me to her.

So where are we now, honey babe? I'm dreaming too much. My hands never felt so empty. My lips never felt so dry. I sat in front of my record player and stared out the window at the empty sky and trees, as if she would just show up and I could let her in to lay down with me for a few moments. Yeah, I've dreamed about it.......her porcelin skin with cinnomon freckles, her voice of pure understanding, her openness to me. Feeling her next to me.....
I told her I loved her. She told me she loved me.

Every muscle tightened and I realized just how......untouched.......I really was. It's a strange, sick kind of feeling that makes you think you're young and old at the same time. I picked up my mug of luke-warm black coffee and wanted to throw it at the window. Instead I downed it, for lack of anything else to do. I wished I was alone in the apartment so I could break it into fifty pieces without disturbing anyone. Life was so twisted that I didn't know if I wanted to put my fist through a wall or cry. Probably both.

My room felt so harsh. Everything in me was restless; I felt like my limbs, blood, heart, stomach, and the insides of my thighs were on fire. What to do? She was in another town too far away. Too busy, too many responsibilities were heaped on her. Though I knew she was hurting too it felt like at least half of it was heaped on me. My God, I'm HERE. I'm finally alive. I wanna live I wanna love and where is she? Doesn't she feel me? Please I don't want this again I thought I had it I though I had it please.....

My God I hope she isn't in another life too far away.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Today's Blues

"Lover's Blues"

hope you know I'm a-leavin babe
won't be back 'till dawn
don't know where I'm goin babe
but I'll end up back in our front yard
and by the time I reach the door
I'll still be singin' this song
and if you don't let me inside
then Lord I've gone all wrong

the moon is a-sinkin babe
sinking down across the line
and wouldn't it be so beautiful
if something reached me just in time
well the air is so stuffy but
darling don't you look so fine
with the stars in you hair and
someone else on your mind

gonna find me some city babe
made for souls on the run
gonna take all of my sorrows babe
and see what they can become
well you may be a sweet talker but you're
not so good when it comes to love
it I'd known your heart was just wandering
then honey I never would have come

"Fixin' to Die 2009"

(got this from Bukka White's "Fixin to Die". I added my own lyrics, of course.)

feelin' funny in my eyes Lord I believe I'm fixin' to die (x2)
well I don't ever want to and I'd hate to leave my mother cryin'

well my walls are on fire and I'd hate to leave my sister alone(x2)
but I'm a-barely breathin' and my hands are turning cold

I've prayed and I've prayed I guess I didn't do it right (x2)
some say it's a calling but I don't see no light

feelin' funny in my limbs lord I believe I'm fixin' to die (x2)
well I didn't see it comin and I'd hate to leave my lover cryin'

I've got my suitcase and guitar, I need to go on the run (x2)
Lord I hate where I'm livin', I hate where I come from

whiskey can't kill ya as quick as this stubborn town (x2)
some might try to stop me, but they shoulda known I'd leave somehow

feelin' funny in my soul Lord God and I don't wanna die (x2)
please let these wheels take me far past the broken county line

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Same Theme Going...

I was listening to Seeger's version of "Walkin Down the Line" and decided to write my own.

Well I'm a-walkin down the line (x3)
my feet'll be flyin'
tell ya 'bout my troubled mind

My pleasures came and went (x3)
my last lone dollar spent
and none of 'em was heaven sent

stranger, don't turn your back on me
don't turn your back on me
don't turn your back on me
I don't got much ya see
wonderin' how it would be
if you could lend a hand to me

Well I'm a-walkin down the line (x3)
no tellin what's inside
too much weighin' on my mind

lost my daisy in the rain (x3)
and no one ever claimed
that I would a-feel this way

He says I should've never gone (x3)
morning's too young
and I'm all wrong
but daddy I just love to run

Well I'm a-walkin down the line (x3)
my feet'll be flyin'
see ya some other time

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

"Sing a Sad Story"

I left so blindly and travelled so young
through the pines and the cities I've walked
yes I left so blindly and travelled so young
but to you, sweet gal, I give no fault

don't know when I'll see you or my family again
don't know when this restlessness'll fade
'cause the line ain't so clear and the path is torn
and I can't go home this way
no I can't go home this a-way

there ain't one cent in these weary clothes
not a soul here can tell where my heart lies
my own name has become a stranger to me
and I've nothing, dear friend, to leave under the skies

now my bones are too bare and my eyes are too dark
after too many nights unsheltered from the rain
maybe it's fear, Dear Lord, or maybe it's pride
but I can't go home this way
no I can't go home this a-way

For what good it does I'll whisper a prayer
through the icy silver valleys and hills
and may it fly fast to reach you somehow
if we're lonesome enough I know it will

please don't send me no words of forgiveness
or any trinkets to hold, or verses to say
for the day I come back is as unclear as tomorrow
and I can't go home this way
no I can't go home this a-way

Monday, August 24, 2009

a little different....

and inspired by all the folky records I've been listening to (Hootenanny at the Limelight, All-Star Hootenanny at the Gaslight, The Times They are A-Changin, the O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack, and Hard Travelin' by Woody Guthrie. I highly recommend them.)

"Ballad of the Sparrow"

Oh she was just a young thing
a rebel star kicked out of the sun
when she rode away from her hometown
a ruffled sparrow now on the run

oh she didn't want no diamond ring
or any promise from her loved one
no, she didn't want to follow him down
and now her loved one is a long time gone

her hair was black as the night that made her
the dawn was as gold as the songs that shaped her
she left a town that was dead and gone
a ruffled sparrow now on the run

Who could ever blame her for leaving
when the heat finally burned to her core
and nothin can stop that restless spirit
when you've been kept away from something more

no tongue could tell what she was feelin'
as she went quietly from her father's door
now her road was long, maybe she did fear it
as the electric sky spread further than before

yes I loved her some many years ago
when neither of us knew we had no home
now our footsteps seem a little louder than before
and I hope she finds out what she's running for

Oh she was such an inncocent thing
a lonesome angel kicked out of the sun
when she had to break from her hometown
and sing the songs
of the ruffled sparrow on the run

Saturday, August 22, 2009


just a little diddy I guess, not meant to be good. it is what it is.

I wanted you in that summer night
when you spoke so softly and walked with me
and I gave you the melody of my soul
and you claimed that it set you free
Honey please don't tell me
that our love can't last long
because you know I really miss you when you're gone

understand that I risked it all and believed
I'd found my shelter from the blackest skies
and felt so alone at my cold bare table
when you were wanderin thru the town you criticize
tell me that's a lie
because I'd like to hold on
and do I really need to miss you when you're gone?

Feels like I'm running through fire
but I'm stuck trying to find the meaning of
this story we tell and hearts that break
and I don't wanna think that the stars above
or that the woman I love
was just putting me on
but if that's the case, sweet lady, you'll miss me when I'm gone

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Short song for my girlfriend...

...she's been busy....and far away....and I miss her so much...

"Song for Beladonna"

Down the sidewalk cats are walking
and the clouds are standing still
my own true love is too far
too far away for me to feel
and she's taken something from me
and I wonder if she knows

oh I miss you Beladonna
when you go out on the road

sitting in the same doorway
as cicadas chirp their serenade
trying to visualize the room
where my babe and I once stayed
there's no one's breath inside my sheets
and my coffee's getting cold

oh I miss you Beledonna
when I'm stuck here on my own

I still make my bread and work
everyday just like before
but with an echo always moaning
that now there's something more
I hope she does what she has to
but there's a truth she must know

oh I miss you Beladonna
please don't leave me all alone

it must be getting rough out there
from the way the wind is sounding
I can't remember my true love's touch
or feel my heart a-soflty pounding
will my darling hear this song
wherever she decides to go?

oh I miss you Beladonna
and I need us to find a home

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Rest in Peace, Les Paul

The greatest guitar player who ever lived/inventor of the electric guitar died today. God.

I feel like I've lost a brother....

Monday, August 3, 2009

for my girlfriend

"My Moonlight Baby"

So you've got memories from a time you were turned to stone
that leave a bitter taste and a bruise and no place of your own
you were too fiery for the midwest towns and had to roam
you've seen this nation, your fathers tossed you out, but you're not alone

I admit I was a blinded child when I first met you
my faith did collide with a sheet metal past of faded hues
you ran with the jack of hearts, but had too much to prove
Now I'm standing here wondering who would ever want to break you

moonlight baby you can sleep tonight
Even if the clouds shut out the stars
moonlight woman it's gonna be alright
so when you're down just fall into my arms
and i will save you
my moonlight baby

you can go down to the river if you're tired of this battered shade
maybe one year your visions were stolen, but I'm not afraid
to carry you, sweet lady, or let you take me far away
you're not too hard to hold, even if sacred answers never came

Sometimes the night turns crimson and dries the streams
wait for the waters to rise and the sun to break through the weeds
I still wanna be under your skin and inside your dreams
like the ancient hymns once sang, we've got to go where there's peace


the church bells may not calm you, or ever make you feel
you can protect your salvation when you don't know what's real
honey I've been there before, I can tell you just how it feels
you don't have to fall through the ice, come and let your soul heal

stand on the rooftops and dance with the lost sighing winds
let oursleves vanish from here like sweet innocence in sin
even if just for a little while, we can let this serenade begin
never say farewell to your wild heart or the prophet within

moonlight baby you can sleep tonight
even if the clouds try to hide the stars
moonlight woman, we'll find a light
so when you're down just fall into my arms
because you can save me
yes, you can save me.....

Saturday, August 1, 2009


Last night I went to a Dylan concert that also had The Two Man Gentlemen Band, Willie Nelson,and John Mellencamp. TMGB was pretty cool, Willie sucked, but John and Bob blew me away! And I felt so young around all those older people and was able to stand up and sing and dance the whole time lol. Some square drunks started leaving when Dylan (the headliner) started, but I know I was with it. You could tell who the real Dylan fans were because we were all WITH IT and we knew it. It was magical when Dylan played "Like a Rolling Stone" and we all sang along...

It lasted until midnight and I didn't get home (or any sleep) until 9 this morning. I watched Festival Express and wrote this "junk" song

"Let Me Sleep in Your Bed Today"

woman it's been a long time gone
I've been a long time alone
and you said if I ever needed someone
you've got a nice meal and a home
I don't wanna roam away
oh honey honey honey
let me sleep in your bed today

See now I'm left with just rags
left with some tablecloth songs
I've got callouses, I've got bags
I'm okay, but something's wrong
I'm not as strong since last May
so baby baby baby
let me sleep in your bed today

I 'preciate you bein so kind
I dropped a poem for you in the hall
It's been tough sleepin in cars at night
that ride is longer than I recall
too tired to crawl, let me stay
oh darlin darlin darlin
let me sleep in your bed today

Oh yer so patient and giving
to even unload that damn trunk
there's been so much sweating and living
now I gotta sleep off all that junk
ain't it just my luck you'd let me stay
oh thank you thank you thank you
for lettin me sleep in your bed today

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Okay, maybe I'm just paranoid....

....but do you think anyone is going to seriously hurt me for making an unofficial high school GSA in the south?

I keep thinking about those two poor boys in elementary school that were murdered for telling their peers that they thought they were gay. Elementary students. Murdered. Just months ago. And the police raid at a gay bar in Texas weeks ago where man's skull got bashed in. And I'm out of the closet. I have gotten insults and stares, but that's because my school has so many students that if you want to make any noise you have to be a BIG noise. Which is what I want to be so that people know about the club and how strongly I believe in what I'm doing. I just want to help kids like me because I've been there. I know that I wouldn't have had half the pain and hopelessness I went through before I came out if there was someone willing to listen and sympathize with me. It HURTS to not be considered equal.

The closer the school year comes the more nervous I get. There's been so much violence at school. An attack with a machete made it to the front page of the local paper. But do you think anyone outside of my family or circle of friends will care if an angry dyke like me gets harassed?

At least the ACLU is on my side. God bless those important, marvelous pricks.

Thursday, July 23, 2009


I don't think i made it to the top of that one; eventually I lost my mind and sense of direction and ended up on top of another damn hill. For some reason there was a white hammock and without thinking I laid down on it. My pulse shook my whole body. I heard a gunshot (at least that's what I thought it was) and panicked. Oh God oh God I've gotta get off the hill before someone catches me! So down I went to the thickest part of the wood and didn't know where I was. Where's the dock? What happened to the lake? Oh how I suddenly longed to see that clear stream and cleanse my hands and face in it. But I was exhausted and stuck between two unfamiliar hills convered in intertwining trees and those damned dried-up pine needles. I decided to climb up once again and hope that this hill lead to the neighborhood.
Thank Heaven it did, but I still wasn't close to Erika's house. It would have been so much easier if I could have gotten a ride, but the people there never leave the house except to rush to work and church and vacation at The Beach. Again, alone. My shoes and the bottom of my jeans were covered in mud and leaves and I felt so heavy that I could have just falleninto the road. But this was no longer my world of Eliot andstreams--and strife I had chosen--Someone must be wondering where I am.

Of course when you choose to be alone, you should expect to be alone or even lonely. When I finally reached the house I sat on the steps in the garage and waited to relax and stop breathing so hard. My book and jacket would have to wait. Turned out that my mom and Erika were working at the coffee shop, the boys were annoying their father, and my sister was practicing her clarinet. Ah well. I still had a story (which I didn't write until now).

For nights and mornings after that I repeated the words "Do you want me?" over and over, trying to feel the same light that they held before.
They still have not held any light, any comfort, any. . . . . .

Thursday, June 18, 2009

"My Door is Open"

Anna don't go
to that alley so cold
all broken bottles
and shoots your spirit fulla holes
Anna ya don't havta know
where the wind's gonna blow
it ain't in our sights
what happened babe
to your fire-light?
caught in a streetllight
broken signs, you
hide your eyes
bite your tongue or break your throat
but darling please just come inside.

Concerning Iran....

Yes, it's horrible that an election was robbed. But there is a silver lining. It's an incredible thing when oppressed people speak up for themselves and try to change their situation. It's incredible when women who have been silenced and abused speak out.

It's also an incredible thing when people around the world fight against the Iranian government on the internet. You know how we know what's going on? Facebook and Twitter.


Saturday, June 6, 2009

thought I'd take a break from that story

for one of those 1 am songs that come outta nowhere

We both know that before any of this
I had my mind on the west
thought there was nothin to miss
'till your words came like the rains
that caressed my jaw and my fists
and instead of forgetting it all
My God I yearned for your indigo kiss

chorus: well there's a heartache comin down
You can't run from what's always around
you can break in it babe
or stand your ground
but nothin's gonna stop a heartache comin down

go bury your roses and turn out the lights
I can't handle the truth
the truth fallin from your eyes
and I can't tell the difference
between what I need and what's right
I just hope you can soon capture
that voice you've been tryin to hide

So stay if you need to or walk away
honey cry all ya have to
you know it's better that way
and take all the whispers
from your sheets that started to fade
open the gates or close your door
or walk thru the heat of the day


this time a flame burned without a sound
Sometimes what's lost should never be found
I just ended up with too much outta town
but who knows babe, I might see you around
please don't drown
please don't drown
darling please don't drown

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Must have written this years ago....

seems like the kinda thing I was writing at the time. It's funny how styles change so much over might sound better with a chorus but I never wrote one for it.

you got a hoodlum's blind son protected at your side
and my plastic flames just melt down in your eyes
and the songs of our psalms are slowly drifting by
how can I finally run to you?
our childhood wavered like fields of sky
I'm still thristy for your words that chimed
I fell into their music and silver light
where can I at last find you?

You broke the door when the skeleton key rusted in rain
with your shoulders of metal and fingers of lace
it never mattered that the night watchers never came
how long must I go without you?
with your poems painted on your sheets of day
and my wounds like mercury and your gentle escape
the way the avenue allights when your gates give way
how can I ever forget you?

You immaculately smiled at the thieves of Sugartown
then stepped into Midnight Row where they couldn't follow down
oh sad-eyed savior can you hear the sound
of my limbs shaking for you?
with the highlands of the fortune tellers tumbling around
and the smell of wildwood rising from the streets where I drowned
and both of us wearing the same thorny crown
tell me can i live without you?

there's a chorus of stars burned into your sun
it's stained from that July I spent wounded by love
and I can still taste that waters touched by your tongue
you know I'll never leave you
in your arms there's a journey that hasn't begun
I'm carving some lines that the churchbells once sung
into your iron doorway where the hinges came undone
you know I will stand by you

with your eyes that held a thousand bleeding souls
and your milk-white hands tangled in with the road
and all the fog-angels who can't stand to see you go
how could you ever dissapeer?
with your matchbook prayers from Canyon Road
and the moonbeams on your lips where they couldn't corrode
and the prophecy of dawn melted into your bones
don't you know I wish you were here?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


because everything has dwindled down to a pair of sunglasses
and an empty lighter
and all the violins have been silenced,
because I've realized all of my lives
can never be re-traced
and I've grown too in love with you
ans I've been too willing to fall for you
and ignore my youth and my own beauty
I must not stay
there's a voice
beyond our candles
I must feel more than your presence and rhymes
I must live
I must hear, and burn,

I must go

Friday, May 15, 2009

Based off an old folk song

most of the lyrics are mine, except for the main part

"Blood in my Eyes"

Well I keep waking up, dear
to the break of dawn
sweat rolling off my skin and
my spirt stained and scarred

bolts of moon came rushing in but
they can't reach my heart
I got your voice in my brains and
just cold sighs in my arms

crawl out of the covers the
stars will be fading soon
hey hey bade I got blood in my eyes for you
hey hey babe I got blood in my eyes for you
I got blood in my eyes for you babe
I don't care what in the world you do

Slipped my soul into a sidewalk
had a dance with Miss Rain Girl
she brushed her hand against my cheek it
wasn't the same as you, girl

I felt the rush of her lips but
darling, the fire's never stirred
before she took me home I said
"I just can't see past her"

I could feel Rain's halo but
I'd rather make love with you
hey hey babe I got blood in my eyes for you
hey hey babe I got blood in my eyes for you
I got blood in my eyes for you babe
I don't care what in the world you do

I stay awake all night but
never see the moon
hey hey babe I got
blood in my eyes for you

Monday, May 11, 2009



I'd probably feel a whole lot better
if I packed up and took a red-eye flight
and drifted into a sea of stars
'stead of dreaming about our fire light

remembering how many times we fell
remembering how far I was willing to go
there shouldn't be a single doubt
baby, I'm the one who oughtta know

--I'm supposed to be untouchable--

I've struggled through barbed wire
and chased you down Valley Drive
you were the lost silver angel
that I tried to bring back to life

'till I swore one lonesome summer
that I wouldn't burn anymore
burried all the letters you wrote
never thought you'd come back to my door

I'm supposed to be untouchable
I don't wanna be the one in love
you were always so unattainable
I'm the one who was not enough

I don't wanna drown in you
but your words can make me feel
baby I'm lost with or without you
I gotta know if this time it's real

I swore I was untouchable
I swore I was untouchable...

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Girl Fights

There have been a suprising number of fights at my school. I know there are bound to be fights at a high school because, well, it's high school. But why so many? And also, why are most of the fights between girls? I've only heard of a few guy fights, but I can't count the girl fights I've seen.

It's a horrible situation. Suffragists died of starvation and abuse to acheieve their right to vote. Feminists in the 70s decided that they didn't have to just stay at home and wear makeup and not work. Though woman in the workplace are still payed less than men, there has been tremendous progress.

So what is my generation doing? Why are the girls at school so mad at eachother?

And if you look at the shows on TV, excluding the smart ones most girls my age don't watch, there is so much promiscuity and fighting. How many reality shows do you see with some skinny woman dressed like a skank screaming expletives at someone?

TV stations made specifically for women used to have shows like Xena. But those have been replaced with shows about over-dramatic psychotic brides.

What is going on here?

First I want to focus on my school. This could be a task for the Gay Straight Alliance. Not only conditions at school could be improved, but the public's veiw of GSAs could also be improved.

What do you think?

Friday, May 1, 2009

"Last Song for the Long Time Gone"

I feel ya crying somewhere tonight
don't know what ya want, just what I'd like
I'd like for you to cry if you must
just know I'm praying, little darling
for your soul not to rust

I'll admit that my eyes got sore
from all the times we both were torn
couldn't find a spark down in the hole
but on came blue morning
and I went where I had to go

sitting in bed, writing lines to you
if ya ever need them, they might get you thru
any barbed wire or blinding heat
I won't ask ya to come back, little darling
follow the rhythmn of your feet

sometimes you may not remember me
that's alright, so long's ya walk happily
I'll soon figure out where I wanna start
at least I'm not the same girl
with a cork-screwed heart

I'm thinking 'bout your lips, 'bout your skin
how your laugh seemed to chime from within
then I remember that you're not alone
it may not me be, little darling
but someone's gonna lead you home.

"Drops of My Heart in the Sidewalk"

I'd love nothing more
--in this crooked and plastic world--
than to see your nerve ends
meet the watchful
and ominous


I'm in your hallway
haloed by a bare bulb
and 700 glass bottles
let me know babe
if you can surround me


Luna moth
please don't follow me
down to Midnight Row


can you drink
the dusk
when the nightwatchmen come
with their lights?


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

what the beats called "Spontanious Prose"

too weary and too inspired to sleep in this warm and worn universe
thinking of Emmylou, sitting crosslegged on the matress surrounded by Bob Dylan, Sachmo, Count Basie, Ella Fitzgerald, Kris Kristopherson, Jack Kerouac, candles, incense, Bama moon, thrift store trinkets, instruments.....
thinking about Emmylou and missing her I just know she's somewhere out there, see-thru frock of crimson and earthly tan, barefoot, looking into me. But ah so is life
have no idea what time it is, but it's dark and the birds are chirping for some reason and I wanna run beneath them, discover empty phantoms and call them holy (and rightfully so) find everything holy,
find something holy
Solid brown eyes, voice like honey, crumpled letter in the gutter, Blues, anything un-resolved, the cotton that grew near my house that died two years ago, maybe even all those times I walked til my feet were ablaze and then numb humming about bloody eyes and about running to a lover's door covered in exhaust, clay, coffee, ideas, will, something calling, something screaming, something sighing, someone moaning or singing or asking

someone out there
maybe Emmylou enthralled and holy

(and it's my last night here)

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Me and my sis being stupid

the cat
sat on
the mat

the dog
peed on
the log

the kitten
puked in
the mitten

the puppy
the guppy

the fishes
the dishes

the tiger
can fit
in the dryer

the llama
hooked up
with my mama

the doggy
is soggy

the goat
can drive
a boat

this should be a children's book!

the bomboozle
can shoozle
a kadoozle

the owl
is on
the prowl

the rat
is glued
to the cat

the mouse
the house

the beetle
the needle

the chickadee
the hikory

The ham
the lamb

the cow
gave birth
to the sow

Sis--I'd be awesome in creative writing because I'm not creative!


My sister's haiku:

what happened to my turtle?
Oh wait, there he is

Mom killed the kittens
ran them over with her car
splattered on the lawn

(that one's my favorite)

Friday, April 10, 2009

Had Enough Hurtin' Tonight

The last bottle is dry
and my spirit's bruised
let's get outta this damn alley
honey, we've got too much to lose

feels like our limbs are tied
and we can't hold eachother
come on, just run back home
so maybe one of us can hear the other

Wash the tears off of your face
I'll turn out the lights
crawl under the covers, babe
'cause I've had enough hurtin tonight

let's go down to the river
'stead of bleeding downtown
I'm not too tired to start again
I know we can turn this thing around

after all we've seen
there's no room for fare well
though our throats are so raw
and all this fighting is hell

stars will blaze sooner or later
and they don't care about sides
and i wanna be wrapped up in you
'cause I've had enough hurtin tonight

I'm sorry for it all
please don't break inside
I'll lay my body down beside you
'cause we've had enough hurtin tonight

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

For Allie

Allie, speak softly, don't let yur temperature rise
If ya feel ya have to, I'll let you look in my eyes
You sayt here's no one to hold you
but I'm here to console you
no hurt, no scorn, can come here tonight

Do you want me to open my coat and let your in?
honey, we could be gone like smoke in the wind
I just want you to know
that your spirit can grow
tho it may seem buried too far, it can rise again

The chains of Birmingham can't touch you my dear
a town's a town, you have only your doubts to fear
Yes it's weary and worn
it's been bruised, it's been torn
but you're not Birmingham's child, it can't draw you too near

Allie we both see the poverty outside
there're sundowns that can slay you and storms to ride
maybe you're kinda like me
just hungry to be free
If ya feel you have to babe, we can head north tonight
and if ya feel you have to babe,
would you let me inside?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I fell into rivers of asphalt
broke my eyes
dust on my face

walking thru the streets of Birmingham

The stars are rebels
that the moon
cut our of the sun
and left wanderin'
and blazin'
above wolf-dogs and howls

(can you touch me where it hurts?)


I sat alone
in the tender dark,
struck a match

and swallowed the spark


Weary baby
standing naked befor the dusk
eyes full of tenderness
ivory hands holding crusts of bread
legs cold from the rain

harmony's been broken
by sudden sweet surrenders
and it's all holy
the ghosts from ancient storms,
the weeds,
the rain-drenched wood,
the fireflies in your hair

as you sit by a midnight window
coughing up rust
or red clay
knawing your bones and trying to believe in Heaven

everything rushing into you
will someday be holy

tarnished baby
flashing like a coin in the lost and found
don't you know that I dream of your mercury mind
of kissing your young holy neck
and feeling the warm vines rushing underneath
tho we've both been wounded by thunder
and hungry sighs

I will
I will follow you

Monday, March 16, 2009

The rain crawled down her embony legs and bare feet--bare feat of Lynn, of Jasper, of Memphis, adolescent kisses, 2 am walks through dead leaves last autumn--she just sat there on my third porch step, still and nearly naked. I hadn't seen her in a year, and she seemed so much smaller thatn I remembered. Everything about her was different from what I remembered.

"What are you doing here? Where are your clothes?"

She jerked her head up and stared at me with clear brown eyes, so clear, as if she was about to cry.

"Oh I was swimming in the lake.....I think Di took my clothes.....he's always doing stuff like that...."

For only a moment I wanted to say, "So you came here. Of all places." But my tongue quickly froze when I couldn't taste enough bitterness. No, it's all gone now, everything's deliquesced, gone...

She bit her wet lip and bent her forehead down to her knees. Her bra-strapped shoulders trembled slightly. I stood there and thought, was she expecting someone else? Me, but.....a different me?

But I had to hold her.

I knelt down on the second wooden step and wrapped my arms around her frail body. I thought the weight of her skin would frighten me like it did a long time ago, but everything is different now. She started to sob, and I instinctively held her tighter.

Do you feel me holding you? Do you feel my calloused fingers over the bones in your back? Did the rain sting you? What in this dusk left you naked on this rain-soaked wood?

As I took off my coat to wrap around her, I remembered something I wrote one night by a candle, while I smoked a cheap cigar.

I feel you crying somewhwere tonight
don't know what you want, just what I'd like
I'd like for you to cry if you must
just know I'm praying, little darling,
for your soul not to rust

After I wrapped the coat around her, she fell into me. Her eyelashes batted a few times, and then closed as she mumbled, "Did I come too late?"

No no baby no

Her cold shaking hand beaded with crystal rain found it's way 'round my neck, as if that was it's destination from the start, and then her body went limp. I thought a million thoughts at once; Is this right? Has it been too long? Have I waited too long? Last year I was weary as hell and had no one holding me, no one to catch me when I was cold and naked, no one....

I stopped thinking, and risked everything. All the doubts and grudges and scars and pain that left me blinded cascaded behind me and melted into the muddy grass, and for the first time I wanted it to stay there.

I stood up, broken angel in my arms, and I climbed the stairs....

Monday, March 2, 2009

(Don't Let Me Die) in T-Town Tonight

Don't try to figure out the meaning. Wrote this a long time ago and there'a a lot of "inside" stuff that doesn't make sense unless you knew me well at the time....and maybe not even then. Ah well.

Standing in the street where the phoenix fell
clouds rush in and as far as I can tell
they're falling
the only sound I hear is Denny's chimes
and some train that I've been wishin to ride
and she's crying

James runs back with the wild-eyed queen
both of their hands so full of dreams
I can't taste one
they crash and moan with thunder in their veins
intertwined with tar in motel doorways
howling to no one

it's all just another hometown burning again
trying to run and hide from the persecutors within

CHORUS: spread my arms 'cross eternal centerlights
firefly dance on to the other side
Oh Lord don't let me die in T-Town tonight

Elena's got the Jack of Hearts in her fist
the laws between the tramps and the gents
were our only teachers
I sighed when she turned her hazel eyes to me
the ancient lady of the Desolate Sea
could have painted her features

We've been down where angels fear to tread
I couldn't get her silver light out of my head
and I couldn't lie
her fingers of lace carressed another lover
I could never get close enough to hold her
and so came "goodbye"

sometimes I wonder how anyone here can believe
I could break down to the gravel, but I can't break free


Well the sickness festers in the poor and the lame
no one on earth can play the martyr in this game
that fact is well-known
I was dragged back to the house of my father
tell me, how can he break the heart of his daughter
while night's curtain infolds?

I'll just wait on a Grayhound, but it takes so long
and tin-can alley won't stop singing that song
of no escape
and all these souls that I carve into ink
would rather be swimming in yesterday's drink
'cause the sun won't wake

and the heat burns the legs of the renegade
leaves him at a blank tombstone in the reality he's made


Nightingales, heart-attacks, door locks,
torn bibles, dandelion wine, and bitter rocks
behind every gate
James, Wild Eyes and lover Elena are gone
all anyone wants is one immaculate psalm
and a chance at faith

oh Holy Great Lord, you know what we want
won't you have mercy on this town and give us a response?

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Farewell Mister James

We've made it back to the shore's edge
the wind's calling the tides
they're bringing me back the salt and sands
but I just can't swim this time
I'll carve my song into the rolling waves
then turn my shoulders to the ice
you can call me anything, old friend
just don't expect my reply

Chorus: so you can curse at your saviors
or set your rivers ablaze
there's just nothing here for me now
Mister James

Yes, I remember the blood in your eyes
and our postcards from wastelands
the smoke we blew into morning's vapors
how holy water turned to mud in our hands
you plunged your lips into my Irish chest
but I could never understand
whether you were the devil's son, the devil's king
or the saint of the Badlands


Well our back pages and tainted skin
dampened by the bolts of some madman's moon
couldn't deliver me from the soul's persecutor
and my wild mouth broke too soon
I can't keep running with the alley serpents
into raw-heated streams of maroon
strike a match against your thief's cold wall
I'm stepping into the highlands of truth


Sunday, February 22, 2009

wrote this a while back

is that me in the streetlight?
or is that me in a dusky field?
Can you tell me where I'm going, babe
Come and show me what is real

Are you a denim angel girl
or are you some midnight queen?
don't know who you are, but
won't you come save me?
won't you come save me?

I'm laying on my bedroom rug
I'm drunk somewhere our west
trying to find the golden answer
or fighting just for simple rest

Maybe you've heard enough
or maybe you can still believe
you don't know who I am, but
won't you come save me?
won't you come save me?

I just keep breaking too much
but I can't stop opening my door
maybe you're sick of my hurting
maybe you can stand a little more

Now all I've got is coffee and hunger
or will morning give me more to see?
I know you could go anywhere, but
won't you come save me?
won't you come save me?

Outside there's frost in the dirt
and I've gotten so damned tired
I'd go out there and breathe out ghosts
but nothing will cool this fire

and I'm too confused to care
if I'm lost, found, or somewhere between
but you know that I'm too alone
so won't you come save me?
won't you come
save me?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

short, sweet

"Colorado (Letter to Dad)"

See summer's coming on
I can feel it's fresh green
I'm gonna go change my name
and find another scene

Colorado will you take me in?
I need something to lean on

Although I was born here
it won't let me breathe
now I don't have a home
and I'm sick of the heat

Colorado will you take me in?
I need something to lean on

Daddy, I have to say goodbye
don't you worry about me
I know you want me to stay
but I just gotta be free

Colorado please take me in
I need something
to dream on

sounds better with music, me on guitar and someone else singing....someone who can actually sing, Lord knows I can't.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

random free verse

the heat's soaking my spine
I'm bathing at your window
with my eyes all full of taillights
of all the people that don't know driving by

how much longer
how much longer
how much
how much....

And I'm wonderin if I'm alive
cause I swore and I swore
I was gone I was done
I've been shot down, I know the score

how much longer
how much longer
how much
how much...

one time too many
I've reached for the rain and got scorched
wound up walking and walking
"Hey hey babe I got
blood in my eyes for you"
slipping my soul into a sidewalk

how much longer
how much longer
how much
how much....

but something tells me it's different
there's something in the strength of your skin
you voice, blessed voice, is singing my songs
don't tell me to go back tonight
the curve of you thigh
has got me paralyzed

how much longer
how much longer
how much
how much...

(how much of me
is strong enough to be touched?)

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Going to Church with my Grandparents

thought I'd share something more light-hearted.

My grandparents are very old-fashioned religious people.....who live in the middle of the twilight zone. Lynn. I'm related to everybody there. My grandfather lives a short walk from his mother, who is STILL ALIVE because that woman is gonna outlive Keith Richards. On the other side of my grandparents house is my cousins....I think. Maybe great aunt and great uncle and third, fourth, or fifth cousins. I got no idea, I can't keep up with those people.
Anyway, whenever my sister and I stayed over, we had to go to their church, which is a Church of God. This means that no one can sing or play piano and everybody cries.
Getting ready in the morning was the hard part. My grandmother would tell my sis and I to get up, I'd get up, and then my sis would go into a coma. Then my grandfather would walk in with his face covered with shaving cream and start screaming "MY BABIES! GET UP! IT'S TIME FER SUNDEE SCHOO'!" while my grandmother walked back and forth between the two bathrooms in a slip with curlers in her hair. That was her thing, and she did that for about 20 minutes. Dunno why.
My grandmother and all the women who go to that church have an obsession with underclothes. Apparently it's a crime to just wear underwear, oh no you can't do that. Three pairs of underwear, a girdle, a slip, and pantyhose. Oh Lord, these women have to have their pantyhose. Of course, most of them also put them over their head to keep their curlers in place. And I am related to these people. What's funny is when they go out and forget to take them off.
They wear pantyhose, but their skirts come down to their ankles.
The men put on a shirt and jeans, then pat some water on their hair, unless they're bald. While my grandmother ran back and forth between the bathrooms and yelled at my sister, my grandfather would be in the living room watching Mister Ed. That was his job. He was a professional.
Then there's actual "Sundee Schoo'". Real fire and brimstone, head slappin', random people lying on the floor, my sister running back and forth to the bathroom, and fake flowers all over the place.

The are a few quotes. (keep it in mind, these people are dead serious.)

"The Beatles cause HO-MO-SEX-U-AL-I-TY in America!"
"I look around and it makes me sick, all these people in America divorcing, blacks marrying whites, schools teaching kids to be gay, schools teaching kids how to have sex, people thinking we shouldn't go to war....."
"Wearing your hat backwards means you're bisexual, which means you'll sleep with anything."
"Be careful what you buy because these clothing companies perform strange rituals on their clothes and put evil spirits in them so you'll buy them and turn bad! My son started smoking pot after he bought this one shirt!"

and my favorite, "If you look at a person, you can tell if they're a homosexual or not. You can sense their spirit and know that it's not right, that they're perverted and takin' of sins of the flesh!"

And I sat there trying not to laugh.

Then everyone would leave to go to Wal Mart or Jack's.


I don't think my grandparents believe in all of that, but they still go to listen to it.

Monday, February 2, 2009

I Need You Darling (yet another love song)

Nothing girl, could ever contain you
or sum you up in scribbled lines
I know there's more to your wanderin' blues
your Irish heart, or your Cherokee eyes

Am I lost? oh, your voice has slayed me
the light's shining off your emerald ring
I'm alone and wanting to be surrounded
by your hair flashing like blackbird wings

There's this feeling I can't recognize
so honey, let me follow you down
to the crystal assurance of your mirror
then maybe you can reach me somehow

Can ya tell me that my spirit ain't empty
or as broken as it seems
I need to believe babe, and more than that
I wanna feel the weight of your dreams

I just don't know what's hiding inside
my life's tumbling thru some desolate sea
won't ya hold these hands and this heart
so I can know what's real in me

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


wow I've been writing a lot of love songs lately....of course I have been listening to Springsteen and Joni Mitchell.....

If you've ever seen a firefly dancin' all alone
you've seen Louise
if you've ever seen a poor kid runnin' from home
you've seen Louise

If you've ever seen a renegade pleading to the sky
a hoodlum's blind daughter searching for the right side
if you've ever seen a letter tumbling in the breaze
you've seen sweet Louise

If you've ever heard a poet try to make a stand
you've heard Louise
if you've ever heard the prayer of a dying man
you've heard Louise

if you've ever heard a train that was never there
the pounding of your heart as you climbed her stairs
if you've ever heard anyone break, rise, or bleed
you've heard sweet Louise

If you've ever felt the light of a nameless song
you've felt Louise
If you've ever felt a rush against your restless palms
you've felt Louise

If you've ever felt the saints and sin collide
or the avenue burning, but refused to hide
if you've ever felt the sting, but found a reason to believe
you've felt sweet Louise

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Weary Goodbye to Lady Jane

Said goodbye to Lady Jane
she left me her poems, I took back my word
we were so much younger but I....
I just don't want to realize that now
I can't throw open the window and see her gone
it would bruise me somehow

O we were children that winter
with a blue velvet dress and no need for prayer
woke up alone to watch the dawn but then...
but then it just rose too hot over us
and I didn't know what to think about something so real
didn't know if we could ever have any trust

Small town blues come harshly 'round here
and try to break you with some sort of guilt
I wanted to be renegades, but she wanted her peace and I....
I hope she can get it somewhere out there
the streets were unkind enough to her
while I was playing Midnight Rider to Anywhere

I walk down to the river, breathe in a shade
regrets all said and "Lord, what have I done?"
It might be cold but I don't wanna feel it, I don't....
I don't want to see her, but I do wanna see her tonight
but Lady Jane's found her home I know
and it's been too long
I've been too headstrong
Lord, to call her my baby and sleep in her blessed light


Lady Jane, know I love you I love you
but I won't ask you to run with me
I've got too many midnights on my heels
and neither of us were meant to follow or chase....
but out of everything in my weary life
your warmth is the one thing I won't ever replace

Thursday, January 22, 2009


might sound better heard than read, I'll work on the melody eventually....

She's laying beside me sleeping
I hear the howling in her breath
the way we used to back in Mobile
when we'd work and we'd sweat

My hand moves across the lace
but doesn't linger for to long
Maybe I would try to touch her
but I'm not there, I'm gone

her hands are ancient ivory
and holding crusts of bread
when the sun rises next to her
I wish I was someone else instead

and I know there are bitter rocks
where our mercury river used to run
I brush her hair behind her ear
but I can't tell her; I'm gone

our love once echoed in the drainpipes
of some town too far away
if I'd known about her nakedness
I wouldn't have asked her to stay

I could crawl into her grace and sigh
but I'd be haunted by our songs
should've never brought her here
but I can't change, so I'm gone

She thought she knew what I wanted
and she played her so well
we could be haloed in a streetlamp
but we're alone as far as I can tell

her tears are burning in her throat
but my mind is one the door
the dawn grows so cold on her face
it's hallelujah, farewell, and no more

I gave her my silver medallions
and all the rhythms of my songs
but it's because she would have died...
sacrificed her self, that I'm gone

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Return of Autumn

Two years ago, Creamsicle had three kittens: Tyke, Kylala (who looked just like their mother-the color of peach ice cream), and Autumn.

My Autumn.

She was the runt, and she was a splotchy mix of white, orange, brown, and auburn. When I held her for the first time I noticed she was the exact color of all the trees that surrounded me, and she possessed the same warmth and, somehow, nostalgia. I guess that's because everytime I'd held a newborn animal, it was autumn. Her fur warmed my hands that turned blue with cold, her tongue returned feeling to the nerves in my fingers, and she gave me something to protect when I felt unwanted or irrelevant. Later on, she was the only one that didn't disapear or sadly pass.

Autumn was a stray.

Two years later I came back from a trip to Tennessee to find Autumn missing. For reasons I don't care to talk about, I decided to not worry and just wait. Five days later the porch was still desolate and the food bowl was still full. Finally I let it sink in, and I went looking for her until night came; I had no flashlight, so I depended on the street lamps. I wrapped my arms around myself and started crying.

"I just want my baby back I want my baby back I want my baby back....."

I didn't know what to do after I had walked through the dilapidated trailor park three times. I tried to pray......but then just couldn't. I didn't want to feel like I was just talking to myself (it was dark, the sky was open, and I'm agoraphobic. I felt like I was surrounded in oblivion) I need something real, something I could see, something beautiful.

I opened my eyes to the clear etherial moon.

"Please, just give her back to me. I love her. I've doubted the idea of God before....but I have a feeling that you can help me."

Today I was eating dinner when my grandfather came to the door. It was late afternoon and a ray of gold flooded in behind him. He said, "Uh Katie, who's this out here?"

And I knew.

Autumn padded toward me and I scooped her up immediately. She smelled like old cotton fabric of a loved one's sweater in late November, when you bury your face against them and feel their breath and rush of blood. Although she's an "outdoor cat" I brought her inside and held her.

She listened and gave. I asked, and She returned. Maybe it wasn't literally the vast cold stone, but what She meant to me. I was willing to take a risk by asking for something and believing that my wish would be granted. I looked to something that I'd never been taught to look to, and my darling Autumn was given back to me.

Now I see Her everywhere; Her love is everything that makes me feel whole- The trees, the pulse, the golden rays, a soul in bitter night,


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Love Song


I wanna be sanctified
in white cotton sheets
wanna live in the light
that I see in the cool ancient stream

with Elena

Gonna build me a house
on morning's hillside
amongst the wildwood gusts
that come blowing into our eyes

for Elena

there's a psalm that I hear
as I walk thru her yard
a name I've longed to whisper
a life I've been waiting to start

I've washed the ash from my face
fought the ghost that don't care
Now I open her door
and I climb the stairs............

A Couple of Songs

"I Found You Tonight"

I wear a dead man's suit, lookin' for a song to sing
slavin' like I gotta solve the Divine Mystery
You can be gone with your red shoes on
but think it over before you say goodbye
honey, I can't find salvation, but I found you tonight

I heard a couple banks closed and the cash was lost
when the bottom falls out, someone's gonna pay the cost
I know you can feel it so if you believe it
don't break doing some one else's time
it's hard to find some dreams, but you did find me tonight

I see you've got pains running down your back
and it gets hard to breathe when ya can't go back
I don't want us to fade, so darling please stay
I'll lay down my stones and I'll lay down my pride
'cause I couldn't find a reason 'till I found you tonight.

"Broken Vision of Mine" (one line taken from Dylan's "It's Alright Ma I'm Only Bleeding")

Ain't it just like an angel to give
plastic flames while you sit there sighing?
the muses slip thru your fingers and say
"Are ya busy being born or busy dying?"
And Euterpe, she's maoning against the walls
her flute's at the gates of the crying

And Sal's got his head wrapped in blues
Lady's glass face still don't know the truth
I'm sitting alone in my mirrored room
thinkin' 'bout all the shadows and lives we choose

tell me are we doomed to leave too much behind?
And what's gonna fix this broken vision of mine?

Hey man, don't you know how it feels
to have your words up on trial?
You hear echoes resound from your soul,
"they loose their candle after a while"
and your throat's so full of rust, so you just
walk on with that harmonica smile

Meanwhile inside the tin houses
despiration storms over the sin
name me all the unrelenting saints and
I'll try to say a prayer for them
but like you said, you can't hold your hymns
forever, sometimes you gotta start again

all the fields turned to bluish smoke
I waltzed in like a child and I choked
on the rocks where the cotton wouldn't grow
as I stumbled and felt my innocence implode

Oh and who would know an answer from a sign?
And what's gonna fix this broken vision of mine?

Sal, you're not the only one who hears the train
I hear it splitting 'cross the dawn
everytime I woke and tried to chase that steel
and I ended up jaded and where I started from
so I went wandering 'round all tombstone-eyed
and don't you know the gin is bitter enough?

The memories start to crumble like ash
and her hollow face can't take you home
sometimes the renegade steps in your driveway
sometimes your porchlight erodes
but you wanna fly off with the tumbling sands
and every step leads to Destination Unknown

feels like I've fallen beneath the skies
can't see my fiery hands beyond its lights
dustclouds stole the skin off my eyes
and left me so wearily open to the night

and who could deny that this was bound to come by?
and can anythign fix this broken vision of mine?

Well I walked to the mouth of the forest spark
where the evenings once glowed
then wound up swimming through iodine
of seas that have never known
and I just don't know
and I just don't know
and I just can't find
my soul howling among the paperfolds and sighs of this broken vision of mine.

(just so ya know, Euterpe is the Greek muse of music and lyric poetry.)