Thursday, January 28, 2010

2010 so far....

an argument and a line crossed under my father's roof
two deaths,
two young deaths,
one girl I.....
a breakup
18 years old now
applications sent off
five or 6 songs written in a fever
hair chopped off again
no one's coming home really
my first drunken night
trying to find out how to sing amen
reunited with an old friend
reunited once again with my first old friend
but still everybody has to go sometimes
virginity given up
so many un-truths
mercy, no mercy
coldest southeastern winter in years
houses burned
another new church
lost 15 pounds sort of on accident
still dreaming of the west and
writing goodbye letters in my head
and then no thoughts for salvation
wondering when to reach out and when to hide
yearning to create someone new
too willing and too able to fall

and I wonder how many people are lying on their sheets or couches or rugs
and staring forever upward silently moving their lips
and hoping that these late-night mumblings are really reaching you
or that lover
or father, mother,
someone, even if just themselves and the shadows
and are not just trailing off to no one

because they just can't stay
and they just can't die
because decades are gone
because I don't like what's outside my bedroom window
because colors start to fade
because we're still too young
and because these lines don't feel perfect enough

and because...

Salinger has died today......

(this very unfinished, very flawed, and very open poem is for him. Because now, everyone misses him)


"Song for Salinger"

I'm gonna take a ride to where I gotta go
just because I've lived here long enough
I want to catch a wind to that great unknown
but the world I'm in makes it feel so rough

Lord tell me why the lakes all turn to ice
and it's hard to find the mercy to pull you through
well I'm learning to cry as the seasons rush on by
but today all I know is that I still miss you

Some people want to make it hard to leave
and some people just never could
there's this girl downtown that I won't miss
but I guess I really should

and though old wounds eventually fade
you can still feel their sting
and you see no matter how much we strive
faith is always such a fragile thing

and who can say why the lakes all turn to ice
and you're not sure when mercy will pull you through
well I'm learning how to cry as the seasons rush on by
but right now all I know is that I still miss you

Well hometowns start to burn as you
stare upon the shadows in the hills
and the streets are so full of martyrs
I shouldn't belong there, but I will

and I'm thinking about what was given
and what was revelaed to the light
I could say you made me feel less alone
but that would be a lie
but it's alright

does it matter why all the lakes turn to ice
it's hard enough to find the mercy to pull us through
and I'm learning how to try as the seasons rush on by
but all the while I know I'll always miss you

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

"She Don't Know I Wasn't Made for This"

Honey why do ya wanna make me feel so uneasy
with your assumptions and your stained glass?
well you're so self-assured about what I'm needing
and what's gonna rescue this nicoteen-stained soul at last

oh but I never meant for you to get so very close
to my cracked visions or my crutch
and tonight it feels like something's closing in
it gets so had to breathe, but you don't seem to feel it so much

What if I should ever cause you to suddenly break?
and what if I lost that ember burning within?
please understand it's not your love I'm fearin'
I'm just a little nervous about that box you wanna keep me in

honey it's alright if you think I'm too hard to hold
when you try to it drives me out of my mind
I never asked for your verse or skeleton key
and I never asked for your heart, so please don't take mine

Sunday, January 24, 2010


Well she don't laugh much now
& I don't care to cry for no one
and I know that she might linger
but should ride behind the sun

heaven knows what we were after
but it was so hard to find
and now the dusk is rising
and I wanna run and hide

I don't even wanna touch
on that feeling weeks ago
or the reason that I'm after
or the reason I don't know

but she yearns to play the part
of the everlasting one
she don't see I gotta tell her
that she can't be the one

I turn and think 'bout that savior
I made some summer night
and shes talking 'bout beginnings
and I'm remembering that goodbye

cause I'm not one for faith and
she's not the one to hurt
now she's staring back at me
but I'm staring right through her

then I don't ask for forgiveness
and she don't know when I fell
now the tables are empty
but it's not our first fare well

as I turn and I stumble seeing
she's never really gone
Lord why does this angel beg
and long for me to be the one

but I'm not no I'm not
I just stole the only key
and then soon tossed it aside
to someone who's not me

and she tells all her secrets
and she forgets about her pride
while the storm above her threatens
God she's not afraid to cry

tell me why did I bother and
tell me why don't she leave
all of this cruel abandon
and all the kerosene

she wants to lay down beside me
and wait for the dawn
while I try to talk to you
but it doesn't feel like we're one
no I don't feel like we're one

Well she hasn't taken much
what I've given I can't say
was it you who decided
that I wasn't meant to stay

or did I vanish like the song
that once made her laugh
or am I gone like the name
that I wasn't born to have

oh the streets have been shrouded
but the kingdom's much too far
past the bells past the winds
and a vision that left a scar

once we thought we knew better
than to let it all be done
but the nights flooding over and
we still can't feel the one....

"She's Still a Friend of Mine"

my plane's leavin' babe
at half past five
and we haven't talked so much
since we both got so unkind

but I
can't help to keep you in mind
and I could but just don't want to
forget that old friend of mine

well I decided babe
to search for higher ground
and I would not mind so much
if I ever saw you around

but we're still running
further on down that line
even tho neither of us has ever
even said goodbye

so if I
ever mention you sometime
I'll remember and I'll wonder
and say, "she was a friend of mine"

Now for everything we've done
I think we've paid the cost
and everybody can admit to
being just a little lost

and I
am thinkin of droppin a line
over the mountains and the rivers
to that old friend of mine

Friday, January 8, 2010

"A Hard Way Down #2"

honey, I aint askin for your wild love
don't expect any sign from above
and right now I'm too wired to sleep
I don't even wanna be alright
pride's got nothing to do with tonight
just don't give me anything to keep

you wanna show me around?
maybe get lost and never found
girl it's been such a hard way down

I once knew this cracked up queen
somewhere down in New Orleans
we don't talk so much these days
there's this thing I left at her door
that no one wants to deal with no more
and honestly that's all I wanna say

lets ride to some other town
and get high on the sound
'cause it's been such a hard way down

how much do you really wanna know?
I guess I've got a little room to grow
but i'll never ask you to save me

don't want you to tell me I'm okay
just let me go down by the way
I'll find some other time to be free

come on won't you show me how
to get lost and never found
don't you see it's been a hard
don't you know it's been such a hard way down

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Long Night (You're Not Alone)

midnight in my shabby apartment
back in the town that's not my home
my mind's racin but I don't wanna stop it
suddenly there's so much I have to do alone

but hey just listen to me babe
whenever you can't see the sun
you can take it from me babe
you're not the only one

My eyes were so hazey this morning
then I was forced against the wall
bad days come with so little warning
leave ya feelin too much or nothin at all

but hey just listen to me friend
whenever the seams come undone
you can at least take it from me
you're not the only one

I know we're kinda lost tonight
and the stars are covered in dust
lately I'm not sure if I'm alright
sometimes it's ourselve we gotta learn to trust

but hey listen to me babe
even if you still can't find your sun
just lie back down and believe me babe
you're not the only one

someday I'll leave this old apartment
someday you'll find where you belong
but now my heart is racin and I can't stop it
until someday, the nights could get long
sometimes the night's just gotta be long