Saturday, February 7, 2009

Going to Church with my Grandparents

thought I'd share something more light-hearted.

My grandparents are very old-fashioned religious people.....who live in the middle of the twilight zone. Lynn. I'm related to everybody there. My grandfather lives a short walk from his mother, who is STILL ALIVE because that woman is gonna outlive Keith Richards. On the other side of my grandparents house is my cousins....I think. Maybe great aunt and great uncle and third, fourth, or fifth cousins. I got no idea, I can't keep up with those people.
Anyway, whenever my sister and I stayed over, we had to go to their church, which is a Church of God. This means that no one can sing or play piano and everybody cries.
Getting ready in the morning was the hard part. My grandmother would tell my sis and I to get up, I'd get up, and then my sis would go into a coma. Then my grandfather would walk in with his face covered with shaving cream and start screaming "MY BABIES! GET UP! IT'S TIME FER SUNDEE SCHOO'!" while my grandmother walked back and forth between the two bathrooms in a slip with curlers in her hair. That was her thing, and she did that for about 20 minutes. Dunno why.
My grandmother and all the women who go to that church have an obsession with underclothes. Apparently it's a crime to just wear underwear, oh no you can't do that. Three pairs of underwear, a girdle, a slip, and pantyhose. Oh Lord, these women have to have their pantyhose. Of course, most of them also put them over their head to keep their curlers in place. And I am related to these people. What's funny is when they go out and forget to take them off.
They wear pantyhose, but their skirts come down to their ankles.
The men put on a shirt and jeans, then pat some water on their hair, unless they're bald. While my grandmother ran back and forth between the bathrooms and yelled at my sister, my grandfather would be in the living room watching Mister Ed. That was his job. He was a professional.
Then there's actual "Sundee Schoo'". Real fire and brimstone, head slappin', random people lying on the floor, my sister running back and forth to the bathroom, and fake flowers all over the place.

The message....well.....here are a few quotes. (keep it in mind, these people are dead serious.)

"The Beatles cause HO-MO-SEX-U-AL-I-TY in America!"
"I look around and it makes me sick, all these people in America divorcing, blacks marrying whites, schools teaching kids to be gay, schools teaching kids how to have sex, people thinking we shouldn't go to war....."
"Wearing your hat backwards means you're bisexual, which means you'll sleep with anything."
"Be careful what you buy because these clothing companies perform strange rituals on their clothes and put evil spirits in them so you'll buy them and turn bad! My son started smoking pot after he bought this one shirt!"

and my favorite, "If you look at a person, you can tell if they're a homosexual or not. You can sense their spirit and know that it's not right, that they're perverted and takin' of sins of the flesh!"

And I sat there trying not to laugh.

Then everyone would leave to go to Wal Mart or Jack's.

Wowee.

I don't think my grandparents believe in all of that, but they still go to listen to it.

2 comments:

Christolear said...

Haha. Those quotes are pretty funny.

Dani said...

That was...enlightening. haha. apparently im a homosexual, bisexual pagan. I had no clue..