2010 so far....

an argument and a line crossed under my father's roof
two deaths,
two young deaths,
one girl I.....
a breakup
18 years old now
applications sent off
broke
five or 6 songs written in a fever
hair chopped off again
no one's coming home really
my first drunken night
trying to find out how to sing amen
reunited with an old friend
reunited once again with my first old friend
but still everybody has to go sometimes
virginity given up
so many un-truths
mercy, no mercy
coldest southeastern winter in years
houses burned
paranoia
another new church
lost 15 pounds sort of on accident
still dreaming of the west and
writing goodbye letters in my head
and then no thoughts for salvation
wondering when to reach out and when to hide
yearning to create someone new
running
chasing
too willing and too able to fall

and I wonder how many people are lying on their sheets or couches or rugs
and staring forever upward silently moving their lips
and hoping that these late-night mumblings are really reaching you
or that lover
or father, mother,
someone, even if just themselves and the shadows
and are not just trailing off to no one

because they just can't stay
and they just can't die
because decades are gone
because I don't like what's outside my bedroom window
because colors start to fade
because we're still too young
and because these lines don't feel perfect enough

and because...

Salinger has died today......

(this very unfinished, very flawed, and very open poem is for him. Because now, everyone misses him)

____________

"Song for Salinger"

I'm gonna take a ride to where I gotta go
just because I've lived here long enough
I want to catch a wind to that great unknown
but the world I'm in makes it feel so rough

Lord tell me why the lakes all turn to ice
and it's hard to find the mercy to pull you through
well I'm learning to cry as the seasons rush on by
but today all I know is that I still miss you

Some people want to make it hard to leave
and some people just never could
there's this girl downtown that I won't miss
but I guess I really should

and though old wounds eventually fade
you can still feel their sting
and you see no matter how much we strive
faith is always such a fragile thing

and who can say why the lakes all turn to ice
and you're not sure when mercy will pull you through
well I'm learning how to cry as the seasons rush on by
but right now all I know is that I still miss you

Well hometowns start to burn as you
stare upon the shadows in the hills
and the streets are so full of martyrs
I shouldn't belong there, but I will

and I'm thinking about what was given
and what was revelaed to the light
I could say you made me feel less alone
but that would be a lie
but it's alright

does it matter why all the lakes turn to ice
it's hard enough to find the mercy to pull us through
and I'm learning how to try as the seasons rush on by
but all the while I know I'll always miss you