Troubles

just a little diddy I guess, not meant to be good. it is what it is.

I wanted you in that summer night
when you spoke so softly and walked with me
and I gave you the melody of my soul
and you claimed that it set you free
Honey please don't tell me
that our love can't last long
because you know I really miss you when you're gone

understand that I risked it all and believed
I'd found my shelter from the blackest skies
and felt so alone at my cold bare table
when you were wanderin thru the town you criticize
tell me that's a lie
because I'd like to hold on
and do I really need to miss you when you're gone?

Feels like I'm running through fire
but I'm stuck trying to find the meaning of
this story we tell and hearts that break
and I don't wanna think that the stars above
or that the woman I love
was just putting me on
but if that's the case, sweet lady, you'll miss me when I'm gone

Short song for my girlfriend...

...she's been busy....and far away....and I miss her so much...

"Song for Beladonna"

Down the sidewalk cats are walking
and the clouds are standing still
my own true love is too far
too far away for me to feel
and she's taken something from me
and I wonder if she knows

oh I miss you Beladonna
when you go out on the road

sitting in the same doorway
as cicadas chirp their serenade
trying to visualize the room
where my babe and I once stayed
there's no one's breath inside my sheets
and my coffee's getting cold

oh I miss you Beledonna
when I'm stuck here on my own

I still make my bread and work
everyday just like before
but with an echo always moaning
that now there's something more
I hope she does what she has to
but there's a truth she must know

oh I miss you Beladonna
please don't leave me all alone

it must be getting rough out there
from the way the wind is sounding
I can't remember my true love's touch
or feel my heart a-soflty pounding
will my darling hear this song
wherever she decides to go?

oh I miss you Beladonna
and I need us to find a home

Rest in Peace, Les Paul

The greatest guitar player who ever lived/inventor of the electric guitar died today. God.

I feel like I've lost a brother....

for my girlfriend

"My Moonlight Baby"

So you've got memories from a time you were turned to stone
that leave a bitter taste and a bruise and no place of your own
you were too fiery for the midwest towns and had to roam
you've seen this nation, your fathers tossed you out, but you're not alone

I admit I was a blinded child when I first met you
my faith did collide with a sheet metal past of faded hues
you ran with the jack of hearts, but had too much to prove
Now I'm standing here wondering who would ever want to break you

moonlight baby you can sleep tonight
Even if the clouds shut out the stars
moonlight woman it's gonna be alright
so when you're down just fall into my arms
and i will save you
my moonlight baby

you can go down to the river if you're tired of this battered shade
maybe one year your visions were stolen, but I'm not afraid
to carry you, sweet lady, or let you take me far away
you're not too hard to hold, even if sacred answers never came

Sometimes the night turns crimson and dries the streams
wait for the waters to rise and the sun to break through the weeds
I still wanna be under your skin and inside your dreams
like the ancient hymns once sang, we've got to go where there's peace

chorus

the church bells may not calm you, or ever make you feel
you can protect your salvation when you don't know what's real
honey I've been there before, I can tell you just how it feels
you don't have to fall through the ice, come and let your soul heal

stand on the rooftops and dance with the lost sighing winds
let oursleves vanish from here like sweet innocence in sin
even if just for a little while, we can let this serenade begin
never say farewell to your wild heart or the prophet within

moonlight baby you can sleep tonight
even if the clouds try to hide the stars
moonlight woman, we'll find a light
so when you're down just fall into my arms
because you can save me
yes, you can save me.....

I SAW BOB DYLAN!!!

Last night I went to a Dylan concert that also had The Two Man Gentlemen Band, Willie Nelson,and John Mellencamp. TMGB was pretty cool, Willie sucked, but John and Bob blew me away! And I felt so young around all those older people and was able to stand up and sing and dance the whole time lol. Some square drunks started leaving when Dylan (the headliner) started, but I know I was with it. You could tell who the real Dylan fans were because we were all WITH IT and we knew it. It was magical when Dylan played "Like a Rolling Stone" and we all sang along...

It lasted until midnight and I didn't get home (or any sleep) until 9 this morning. I watched Festival Express and wrote this "junk" song

"Let Me Sleep in Your Bed Today"

woman it's been a long time gone
I've been a long time alone
and you said if I ever needed someone
you've got a nice meal and a home
I don't wanna roam away
oh honey honey honey
let me sleep in your bed today

See now I'm left with just rags
left with some tablecloth songs
I've got callouses, I've got bags
I'm okay, but something's wrong
I'm not as strong since last May
so baby baby baby
let me sleep in your bed today

I 'preciate you bein so kind
I dropped a poem for you in the hall
It's been tough sleepin in cars at night
that ride is longer than I recall
too tired to crawl, let me stay
oh darlin darlin darlin
let me sleep in your bed today

Oh yer so patient and giving
to even unload that damn trunk
there's been so much sweating and living
now I gotta sleep off all that junk
ain't it just my luck you'd let me stay
oh thank you thank you thank you
for lettin me sleep in your bed today

Okay, maybe I'm just paranoid....

....but do you think anyone is going to seriously hurt me for making an unofficial high school GSA in the south?

I keep thinking about those two poor boys in elementary school that were murdered for telling their peers that they thought they were gay. Elementary students. Murdered. Just months ago. And the police raid at a gay bar in Texas weeks ago where man's skull got bashed in. And I'm out of the closet. I have gotten insults and stares, but that's because my school has so many students that if you want to make any noise you have to be a BIG noise. Which is what I want to be so that people know about the club and how strongly I believe in what I'm doing. I just want to help kids like me because I've been there. I know that I wouldn't have had half the pain and hopelessness I went through before I came out if there was someone willing to listen and sympathize with me. It HURTS to not be considered equal.

The closer the school year comes the more nervous I get. There's been so much violence at school. An attack with a machete made it to the front page of the local paper. But do you think anyone outside of my family or circle of friends will care if an angry dyke like me gets harassed?

At least the ACLU is on my side. God bless those important, marvelous pricks.

cont.

I don't think i made it to the top of that one; eventually I lost my mind and sense of direction and ended up on top of another damn hill. For some reason there was a white hammock and without thinking I laid down on it. My pulse shook my whole body. I heard a gunshot (at least that's what I thought it was) and panicked. Oh God oh God I've gotta get off the hill before someone catches me! So down I went to the thickest part of the wood and didn't know where I was. Where's the dock? What happened to the lake? Oh how I suddenly longed to see that clear stream and cleanse my hands and face in it. But I was exhausted and stuck between two unfamiliar hills convered in intertwining trees and those damned dried-up pine needles. I decided to climb up once again and hope that this hill lead to the neighborhood.
Thank Heaven it did, but I still wasn't close to Erika's house. It would have been so much easier if I could have gotten a ride, but the people there never leave the house except to rush to work and church and vacation at The Beach. Again, alone. My shoes and the bottom of my jeans were covered in mud and leaves and I felt so heavy that I could have just falleninto the road. But this was no longer my world of Eliot andstreams--and strife I had chosen--Someone must be wondering where I am.

Of course when you choose to be alone, you should expect to be alone or even lonely. When I finally reached the house I sat on the steps in the garage and waited to relax and stop breathing so hard. My book and jacket would have to wait. Turned out that my mom and Erika were working at the coffee shop, the boys were annoying their father, and my sister was practicing her clarinet. Ah well. I still had a story (which I didn't write until now).

For nights and mornings after that I repeated the words "Do you want me?" over and over, trying to feel the same light that they held before.
They still have not held any light, any comfort, any. . . . . .